Eight years ago today, in a moment of personal pain, my youngest son took his life at 17.
When I was younger, like my son, I felt pain was an error in life, something to get rid of as quickly as possible. If I fell outside playing and scraped my knee, I wanted it cleaned and bandaged with sympathetic words and a hug from my mom. If a girl broke my heart, I quickly wanted to heal and find a new girl to fix that pain.
Honestly, then it seemed pain was temporary. Even when my parents divorced, I worked to move on and get over it, not recognizing until many years later that such events have lasting pain.
Now, in my 60s, I’ve learned pain is often permanent. I now have two deformed fingers that ache most of the time, a consequence of playing flag football with teenagers when I was in my late 50s. (It was an awesome block.) I often have a deep pain in my left forearm from the ridiculous permanent injury years ago of simply pulling on my boots wrong. I also have various aches and pains from arthritis, service in the military, and other great adventures.
I still try to avoid most pain when possible. After all, pain is often a warning to protect us. However, there is one kind of pain—the worst pain of all—that I embrace, not because I want pain, but because of what the pain comes from. That is the pain we suffer for loving.
The pain of losing my youngest son is, without a doubt, the greatest pain I have ever felt personally. I wish my son had decided to stay. I have dreams about what could have been. Yet, if I had known the outcome and the resulting pain from the beginning, I still would have loved my son. In fact, like most of us who have lost someone, I would have tried to love even more.
Death is not the only pain that comes from loving. We feel pain from many aspects of relationships, both from what others do or don’t do and what we do or don’t do in those relationships. The consequences of the simple messiness of life and our own struggles can really hurt when we are vulnerable to others.
Yet loving others is central to being human. Loving others enriches life in ways no other action can.
I feel for those experiencing pain. Pain is not fun. At the same time, I am grateful we allow ourselves to be that vulnerable, to accept the pains that come with loving. Love is what makes the world turn and gives us meaning and hope.
May you find hope in the pain. I wish you comfort in your pain. I hope you recognize the love for you that exists in the world and that you are courageous in loving.